Breast Cancer and Nirvana

I decided to keep a blog http://andreabc2.blogspot.com/ when I was diagnosed with BC in April.  I thought it would be useful to record my thoughts during the mastectomy and breast reconstruction process and useful for others as I wouldn’t need to explain things over and over.  I am lucky as I have lots of friends and family so there was lots of stories to tell and retell.

Sometime in June/July, I had an idea about a website that would pull together all the BC support services in NZ.  There are such amazing support services out there but I wasn’t convinced that they were easy enough to find or all in one place.  I also thought that it would be cool to have BC experiences on the site so that people could learn about BC.  Also, some friends asked about resources for supporting people with BC so my idea was a website to meet all of these needs. 

Then I read an article about Serena Star Leonard http://www.retireyoung.com.au/ setting up websites.  With her support, I have set up this website www.breastcancernirvana.co.nz. And thanks to Tessa for designing a fab logo http://www.tessaneedham.com/.  The idea behind the name BC Nirvana is that with the right support and attitude, BC can have some positive spin offs.  Obviously, BC can be depressing and is definitely life threatening, but even amongst that, it can spur us on an amazing path of self-discovery and enlightenment.

So..this is the end of my previous blog and the birth of BC Nirvana.  Please check out the new site and leave your comments.  Also, please pass this on to others you know who have or have had BC.  I would love them to write their story or write “what I wish I’d known about BC” from their experience.  It would be so helpful to record these experiences to assist other women; there is so much value in all the different experiences, tips, hints and lessons learned.. Or let me know if there are articles you would like written.

Also, sorry about the gaps on the site.  Over the next months, I will gradually fill out all the website content.

Thanks to all the support I have received from friends and family.

Pre chemo

I have been advised that I’ll be starting chemo in two weeks’ time.  There are a few things I’m doing to prepare:

·        Move house (as I won’t feel like doing that once chemo starts) as I am now on leave without pay.  I’m moving in with my parents until I’m back working.

·        Pre chemo medical appointments – a heart scan (it will be a baseline for to track if chemo damages my heart) plus a number of other GP, Plastics Unit etc appointments.

·        Set up things in my parent’s place so that life will be a bit easier e.g. get another TV set up organised (Rugby World Cup in all . 

·        Finances I am also in negotiations with WINZ and HR to see if either can assist me financially during the three month period.  There is always a lot of cancer-admin (cadmin).

I have been going through a psychological process of accepting that I am about to do chemo.  I don’t know why it was such a big shock but it was.  I think, from BC1, my biggest fear was doing chemo again and I just plain old didn’t want to do it.  Not wanting to do something is not a valid reason however for not doing it e.g. teeth brushing or eating broccoli.  Sometimes you have to do what you have to do.

I have been re-remembering how chemo went last time and lowering expectations of myself once treatment starts.  My goal last time was a walk of half an hour a day (usually by the sea), to take my medications, to eat something and then lots of rest.  So stocking up on DVDs seems the right thing to do.  I will also keep a chemo diary; thank goodness for this laptop.  It’s not a good idea to do much socialising as my immune system will be compromised but the odd social occasion will be good.  It is as if I’m preparing to go in to a type of hibernation. 

12 weeks doesn’t sound as bad as three months.  I will definitely be counting down the treatments and looking forward to life post chemo.  And I certainly hope that these drugs CMF plus Herceptin will be mild!  Thank Goodness I had my holiday earlier this year (the photo is of Irish mosses from the country side). A

Never say never

Last week was a challenge.  I seemed to have one step forward and two steps backward; it would have been better to stay still in one place the whole week.  However, overall, I am doing well.  My breast infection is nearly fully healed and I am getting less tired each day.  I think the last few months was just getting to me.  Since April 19 and the diagnosis, life has been an emotional roller coaster. And it does feel like a LOT all of a sudden.
Also, I was dreading going to the oncology appointment on Thursday.  In the end, I went on my own as I thought that was just easier..
The oncologist - Kate - was very thorough and helpful. She informed me that the tumour was HER2+ which means it is more aggressive  That sucks as it means that...we do need to be safe not sorry in the approach.  So the oncologist recommended three months of chemotherapy - called CMF - plus a year of Herceptin.  Obviously, this is not how I saw my year heading AND I have always said, I would never do chemo again as the last experience was so awful (coupled with the fact that I still have some of the side effects from last time eg nerve damage).  However, as JB says, Never Say Never. After a headache, many tears and a bit of depression, I must say that I don't want to do chemo again.  But that does not mean that I don't need it.  After looking at a logical criteria for decision making, my main deciding factor is that I don't want a regret. ie in five years time, if the cancer came back, I would really regret not having done chemo.
Kate said that CMF would be milder than the last lot of chemo drugs I had - AC plus Dosetaxyl. I will not feel as sick and not lose my hair. She also said that if it affected me too much, I could stop after one treatment and just do the Herceptin (though there is not much research on Herceptin only treatment).
It is only 12 weeks I have to conclude. Four treatments each 21 days and that is only 12 weeks.  With that in mind, I now want it over and done with as quickly as possible so I can have that side of things finished by Xmas.
The year of Herceptin is another matter entirely.  It only takes half an hour to administer and is generally easily tolerated ie just a dull headache and tiredness.  The issue of finding veins is quite problematic too as...I don't have many good ones. It makes things harder than need be but is really common on this side of the cancer journey.  All the blood tests and needles just cause so many issues.
So all of this stuff leaves me in another dilemma - work.  So what will I do. Last time, I worked as much as I could during chemo and said I wouldn't do that again.  So I guess I will take that time off but how I support myself financially is another question and for another week...I just don't know yet.
It has been an awful few days but I begrudgingly have to admit that things could be worse and that many people do have things worse.  However, I still am not okay about all of this and this is the challenge over the next weeks.  Not that anyone is ever happy to do chemo but the goal is to be at peace with it at least.
Thanks to all the friends and family who've assisted me through this decision making journey.
Later gators x A

Six weeks and milestones

Hi all,
Well yesterday was the biggest moment of my recent life. Six weeks from the 'big' surgery and the following milestone have been reached:

• I am allowed to drive (phew, it is hard being under house arrest like Lindsay Lohan).  I am so grateful to all the friends and family who have driven out to see me, take me grocery shopping etc etc. You have been marvels.
• I don't need to wear this corset thing that I have been wearing 24/7 for the last six weeks. It was holding my tummy tight as it got used to not having much muscle there.
• I don't need to wear a bra 24/7. This is probably TMI but it is not comfortable trying to sleep with too much stuff on.  I stopped wearing the blood clot prevention socks about a week ago.

At six weeks, the breast surgeon advised that I would be ready for work.  However, I still have the end of a breast infection and am waiting for my oncology appointment (should be in the next week or two). So I'm aiming to re-enter the workforce on 10 August.  It will be nice to be part of the so called normal world once more and have some income.

So at six weeks, my spirit is feeling good and positive about the future.  I am still a bit swollen (it's probably gone down about 50% in six weeks). There is uncertainty re the oncology appointment but I am feeling strong enough for those conversations now.  Overall, I am very happy with the aesthetic result of the surgeries - there are quite a few scars right now. But they will fade and I'm pretty happy with the new breast.  I will have another small surgery before Xmas to create and tattoo a new nipple and tidy up anything that needs tidying up.

My laptop has been my saviour and I have been tinkering around with ideas of a website to support others going through BC, post BC and for those wonderful support people.  I will keep you posted on the website which is likely to be called Breast Cancer Nirvana (aspiring towards the best possible experience of BC and post BC).

Wish me luck for re-entry to work.

:) x Andrea

Walking : one step ahead

Hello,
I can now walk half an hour and it is a good feeling. It is freeing to be able to stretch a bit more and even sleep on my side. I am not in pain - except when I sneeze, lie down or sit up too quickly - but still uncomfortable.  But each day, I seem to be able to move a bit more.  It is great as it feels like such a long time since I was completely comfortable. 
My concentration seems to be improving too and I've had time to think about doing life a bit differently.  So hopefully I can implement a few decisions which will reduce stress and improve health!
I met with my GP today and he recommended that I go back to work around 10 August.  That gives me time to fully heal up the infected stitch site (three nurse appointments a week) and get back more energy.  It also allows time to meet with Oncology.  Apparently, they are so short staffed there at the moment so that appointment may be two to three weeks away.  Anyway, I'm not sure if I have any more sick leave left so a few negotiations to be had.
I can not wait to feel comfortable and move freely.  However, there is always someone worse off than me!!
Thank you to all the friends, family and colleagues driving out to Petone to visit me.  I really appreciate it and it'll only be a couple of weeks before I can travel more easily. I have tried to organise one outing or visit a day - otherwise, the days drag a bit.

Bye for now, A :)

July

Hi all,
Just a quick update.
I am healing well and no longer need any painkillers - that is quite a milestone. Nurses visit me at home every two to three days to check everything is healing okay - and I have weekly appointments at the hospital, just to check all is healing ok.
I went back to my place in Petone on Sunday night (as I've been staying with my parents since hospital).  Maybe it was a little early as I woke up on Monday with a cold plus tummy bug. Nice. It was a really odd feeling having so much time to myself - all day and night - with no ability to drive (I did catch a bus to the local mall one day). So I came back to my stay with my folks yesterday until tomorrow. It is starting to get tricky with all the driving about. I am not meant to drive until the end of July but I am healing fast so maybe I can drive a bit earlier - as it's driving me a bit crazy.

So overall things are moving in the right direction - it just feels a bit slow. I have at least half way though.
x A

The Results Show

Hi there,
I went into Wgtn hospital today and met with my Breast Surgeon. She examined me and was pleased with the surgery and gave me the histology/results of tissue analysis. The cancer was grade 3 i.e. growing quickly but I think is stage 1 - very early stage. It was 10 mm and is estrogen positive (fed by estrogen). The surgeon said that if the tumour was 9mm, she would not need to refer me to oncology - but as it is 10mm, that is her cut off point so she will refer me to oncology (who will talk to be about chemotherapy and what might work/statistics etc).  They may not recommend chemo but they also might.  I don't have the HER 2 neu result yet (which indicates whether I need Herceptin again) so those results will come through soon. I will meet with oncology in around a month.  So...the upshot is, that I probably don't need chemo but will still meet with oncology to hear what they have to say. i still require a medication to inhibit estrogen production and may/may not require Herceptin.  So..I guess I will be back to work in a month and just focus on getting better. I have the remaining stitches out tomorrow and am feeling a lot better. I will go home to my place at the end of the weekend so that is a milestone. Also, have much less need for painkillers...and bought myself a dress today to celebrate. I needed a treat. x

Managing risks

Today, I am feeling good. There were a few milestones today: most of my stitches are out (the rest out on Wednesday), the plastic surgeon is pleased with the surgery so far (I gave her some flowers as she is a brilliant surgeon) and...I don't have a DVT (clot).  Saturday morning, I woke up with a sore calf and on Sunday, again, a sore calf. Mum thought that we should double check that it wasn't a DVT as I am high risk. So I had an appointment with a GP on Sunday. He thought I probably didn't have a DVT but wanted me to have an ultrasound.  He rang Wellington hospital and was assured that I would be seen ...so in I sent.  First step, a blood test to assess whether a blood clot was showing - you may know that veins are difficult for me but the nurse was finally able to find one on my hand. After waiting for an hour or so, I was told that my blood level was 2000 when the usual is 500.  However, that is normal when someone has just had surgery.  So..I waited for the ultrasound and the doctor. Luckily, a couple of friends came to visit me and that was nice. Eventually.....after waiting three hours, a nice doctor came in and did an exam.  He thought that I didn't have a clot but wanted me to have an ultrasound but I'd need to wait 1-3 hours or the next day.  As I was tired, I decided to opt for the next day.  He was a lovely doctor :) and that made up for some of the inconvenience.  Better to be safe than sorry.
Today, I had the ultrasound and was cleared of a clot.
I also had my first shower without help and  noticed that I didn't need as many pain killers yesterday/today. So I'm moving towards wellness.
Tomorrow, I get the results from the Breast Surgeon ....and Wednesday, the rest of the stitches out.
x A

One week on from op

Hi there, I detailed a bit about the surgery and 24-48 hours afterwards. But not the updates since.
On the Friday, I was able to sit up in a lazyboy chair for about an hour and started my first physio exercises and on the Saturday, I sat in the chair for about four hours - and I think did a small walk around the ward.
On the Saturday, one of the lovely nurses told me that things would improve a lot each day as tubes start to be removed on a daily basis. On Sunday, I had the oxygen removed as my oxygen levels were ok.
Drains had to drain less than 30ml a day in order to be removed and two were removed on the Monday along with the canula/needle in the back of my hand. Also, the catheter came out on the Monday. It was a good day. So I was able to get up and go to the toilet and also have a seated shower. The doctors also said that I could go home on the Tuesday if things improved at the rate that they were going. YAY.
On the Tuesday, another drain was removed which left me going home with only one drain (draining from my tummy). The drains are put into cute pink bags so that you can walk around with them. However, as I have this tube coming out of my abdomen, it is very hard to wear clothes - I decided to cut a hole in some track pants so the tube can come out :)
I really bonded with three nurses - they were sweet, caring and so helpful, giving me pep talks about how I would feel and that having a cry was normal. And making me feel comfortable  There was a couple of nurses who upset me - and one time when my buzzer wasn't working. I couldn't work out why I was pressing it and nobody came. It was a powerless experience.
I thought I would feel anxious about having nurses washing me, but when you need a wash, you just don't care who sees what. Also, same with the catheter. It didn't bother me at all.
My plastic surgeon had the flu so hadn't been at work since the surgery but she was fantastic - so experienced, so kind and even gave me a hug before the surgery. I have so much admiration for the medical team - including two female lead surgeons.  The hospital is also a training hospital and quite a few students were around; it was inspiring to see an amazing group of new surgeons coming through.
Each time someone would check my breast, they'd use the word perfect.  It was such a relief to pass the critical point where if something had gone wrong, I would have needed to go back into surgery to replace the breast tissue.  To be honest, when I was feeling so grotty, I almost didn't care what the breast looked like as I just wanted to feel better - but in a few weeks, I will really care :)
So it appears that the surgery has been a complete success and as each day passes, the trauma reduces slightly.  It is amazing how the body heals along with the mind.  
As of Thursday one week later, I still have some serious healing to do - stitches on abdomen and breast - and not able to lift very much - or use my right arm much at all. I am walking slowly and able to shower seated (with my Mum's help).  I am resting almost the whole day and taking pain killers every two to four hours.  When I am late with them, I know all about it. The antibiotics make me a bit nauseous and I have quite an upset tummy. I am able to eat a little more each day but don't really have an appetite yet.  But I am feeling my spirit is back :)
Also, I had some beautiful flowers in my hospital room - very uplifting - and especially the card from people at work, the words were lovely.  Yesterday, another bunch arrived from a friend in Chch. I have a lot of support and caring around me. x A

Second op down

Hi all, thanks for all the support and good wishes - messages, cards, flowers, texts, pressies....it's been great.
The surgery was a bit bigger than I expected and felt quite a trauma at that time. It was around five hours and I got back to my hospital bed around 5pm on the Thursday.  The general anaesthetic and I didn't get on too well and I remember Thursday night - not being able to lift my hands - with a horrible taste in my mouth. Wine gums help a bit with this and Shaz and Nicky visited the hospital and gave me lollies and a bit of support. I had a wonderful nurse Leo who spoon fed me some yogurt; I was like a baby.
I woke up with four drains coming out of me - two from my breast and two from my tummy - these are tubes which drain fluid from the wound sites. A catheter so I didn't need to go to the toilet, a canula/needle in the back of my hand - with two lines, one for a morphine pump - where I could push the button and get a burst of morphine plus a drip with saline making sure I was hydrated. I also had an oxygen tube putting oxgyen straight into my nostrils. Anything else - I had anti blood clot socks on and the electric wraps that massage the legs (to avoid blood clots). The room was so hot; I was told that I had to keep the flap (skin/tissue taken from my tummy and moved to become a new breast) very warm in order for it to survive/not be rejected.
Hourly for 48 hours, medical staff checked my blood pressure, temperature, oxygen levels and pulse plus checked my breast to see if it was the right shade of pink/that it was accepting, not rejecting.  I also had daily injections into my thigh muscle of a drug to prevent blood clots, antibiotics injected twice daily through the back of my hand plus daily blood tests/taken from my feet! All this with 3-4 types of painkillers plus a variety of other drugs to stop nausea, inflammation and other things. I felt completely overwhelmed/that I couldn't cope and that I could not get through this. The first night, I had kind of druggy dreams about driving and monkey/jungles etc etc abut didn't sleep much at all. I realised that I couldn't cope seeing any visitors. I was spending basically all my time being nursed/doctored anyway - exhausting. Friday morning, mum arrived at 10am and I told her that I couldn't cope and could she help me. I was sweating from the heat so she was able to pin my hair up in little bunches so that I the back of my head wasn't sweating. Mum contacted people and let them know that I wasn't up to visitors, just focussing on survival really. Mum is a nurse and is amazing. She helped me wash my face, wash my glasses, brush my hair, she read to me and basically did heaps of things to help me try to be comfortable including cooking alternative meals to the uusally unappetising hospital meals. She stayed until around 3pm and continued that pattern of visits for the five days post surgery in hospital.
The doctors do their rounds at 8am each morning and told me that the surgery had gone perfectly - and that the breast flap was looking great. My tummy was also looking good. I have in effect had a tummy tuck with fat and muscle taken from the tummy and turned around/created into a breast - and apparently, they've created a new belly button.
Feeling a bit better each day so will update this tomorrow. x Andrea

First operation down

It's Saturday today and I got home from the hospital yesterday. I'm a bit sore and it all went to plan I think. I just need to get myself ready for operation #2 on Thursday. I'm staying with my parents and resting. I had a wee scare in post op when I had a reaction to an anti nausea drug...but was okay after 30 mins. I am a bit sore (maybe like a C section) after the 90 minute surgery and now find it a bit uncomfortable to do most things but am just taking panadol for the pain,  I had some nice visitors in hospital and luckily, was able to use my cell phone. Trend alert - two of the four people on the ward had laptops on their beds :)
Talk soon, Andrea

Busy

Hello there, it's been a while. I seem to have got really busy...I decided to do a few weekend trips before the surgery date (as I didn't know when I would get to travel next).  I visited a friend in Chch and the damage was gobsmacking down there...but we did find some nice cafes (not demolished) and had good chats. This weekend, I'm in Auckiwood - and have spent time with my niece and nephews plus the Auckiwood girls. I finished work on Friday - only to find out that I now have two surgeries.  The first one is a preparatory surgery - to prepare the veins in my stomach so they are ready to be moved. The op will take an hour and I'll be in hospital overnight. The second op is a week later on the 16th and involves the mastectomy and full reconstruction from tissue in the tummy area. That op will take around five hours and I'll be in hospital for 5-7 days. Work was full on and I am glad to have taken some days before to get some sleep and relaxation, which is hard to do when work is full on.
I know the second surgery will be quite painful so I am not looking forward to it but I guess it's good to get it over with. So June is going to be hard but then things hopefully will get a lot easier. By the end of June, I'll have the results from surgery - analysis on the grade/stage/type of cancer and what happens next. So the rest of the year is a bit of a question mark....we will see. It is a good reminder that we are not in charge of life, though I can take charge of a few things.
I had an art therapy session last week and it was great. I was trying to plan what to do post-cancer e.g jobs, holidays etc but really, I needed to just be with where I am at right now and I can plan the future later. The therapist also suggested that I write a thank you - farewell letter to my breast or something like that to mark this significant occasion - so I will do something like that this week.
My cousin Loma and I had pedicures and manicures together - I have blue toes and bright pink fingernails - and it has given me quite a lift! Treats are good :)
This time, I've struggled with telling people that I have BC. It is hard any time but I'm aware there are quite a few people that don't know. It is strange running a double life but in some ways easier for me than having to explain myself so many times.
This week and next are the big weeks - I have the pre-assessment on Wed, surgery on Thurs and then the following Thursday. Mum and I went to the plastic surgery ward and had a tour - so I feel more comfy about where I am going post-surgery.
I am grateful for all the support that I have received from friends and family. It has been wonderful.
:) s

Lots happening but nothing much happening

Hello
A lot of 'to do' going on:

• I had a bone scan today (involved an injection, followed by a 45 minute scan three hours later).  Gill came with me and kept me company :)
• On Friday, I met my plastic surgeon.  She is amazing; the same age as me, and very experienced and warm.  We went through all the different options for reconstructions and I chose to have my new breast made from tissue from my tummy (also chose one of the two types of surgery for using tissue from the tummy).  The op will take around five hours but some of the other surgery options take 8-9 hours. I still don't have a definite surgery date but it is coming up.  Mum came with me and that was really helpful
• She also noticed that I had a lipoma (didn't even know what that was) on my chest (just fatty tissue) so referred me for an ultrasound of that (but she said she could remove it during surgery).
• On Thursday, I had an appointment with my breast surgeon. She told me that the results were normal from all the testing in the last few weeks (so no evidence of cancer in the rest of the body) and gave me the probable surgery date (both the plastic surgeon and her need to coordinate as they both are present during the operation). I gave the surgeon some flowers as she does an amazing job (and was my surgeon last time so we have known each other for four and a half years).  Another friend came with me for this :)
• These appointments require a lot of time from me and others. You are not meant to go to these appointments on your own; I really appreciate everyone's time and support
• Oh and I met up with two friends on the weekend as they have had reconstructions (it was really helpful to get tips and advice)
• What else - I will finish work on Friday
• I'm still not sleeping that well but am feeling a lot better about things as all the testing is virtually complete, I have a tentative surgery date and am finishing work this week. After that, I can concentrate on getting rest, going to the gym, eating well and enjoying life as much as possible before the surgery.  With the surgery, I will be in hospital for a week and will need at least five weeks recovery time

Over and out, Andrea

Hampers

I received a fabulous hamper from the 'Brazil girls' Loma, Moera, Sara, Tapu and Italia - and Moera's sister Anne and family.  It was such a surprise and really lifted my spirits with its pink and butterfly theme: pink slippers, pjs, mags, books, yummy bath gels, a scented pillow thing and a wonderful pink cushion and vouchers for a facial and at Kirks. Thank you my wonderful friends and prima.  I am very fortunate to have a lot of support!!!

The card reads:

Get Well Andrea
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Honey is sweet
Just like you

You are the sunshine in the sky
You are all the stars way up high
You are the harmony in all songs
You will never never be wrong

Let's hope this puts a smile on your face
And not bring you any hate
Andrea Andrea you're the strongest woman I've met so far
With all the flash things and your cool car

From Paris and the whole family

Then...I won a hamper from the local organics store. It had olive oil, pumpkin seeds, dried fruit, chocolate, rice etc etc.  Someone is looking after me

Endings

Today, I realised that I was burned out and needed to replenish my energy. I went for a nice walk to the beach, had a sleep and watched tv.  I have had to admit that I'm not coping very well with starting a new job while processing cancer plus going to a multitude of medical appointments.  There is just not time to do everything and it has been very stressful.  I went to my GP today and he recommended that I finish work so that I can just focus on my health. So it is time to end the work side of things. I have to agree but just need to sort out a few things including my surgery date plus talking things through with my manager. I must admit that sick leave is always a concern in the back of my mind...
In the past, I have struggled to continue working while receiving treatement - it is a real challenge to put health first before anything else. I am still learning this lesson.
I have been up and down this week. I seem to have lost the ability to sleep well and starting a new job has created additional pressure that I don't need.  Ups are quality time with friends and support from really wonderful people.  I am very fortunate to have a group of strong supportive individuals from the last BC plus a few new ones.
On Thursday, I hope to learn my surgery date. That will really help as I need to think through dates, sick leave etc.  This week I have an appointment with my breast surgeon and plus an appointment with the plastic surgeon. On Monday, a bone scan...and maybe that is enough appointments for now.
On Thursday, I will find out results of previous tests i.e. if other cancer has been found so fingers crossed, that things are early stage rather than late stage.
Going through cancer for the second time was always a distant fear. But some things are a bit easier this time as there are less unknowns e.g. I know what to expect in medical tests.
I talked to a friend Louise who had the surgery that I will be having but a few years ago. She had some helpful hints plus told me that her new breast is so normal to the point that she doesn't think about it at all. I am now quite looking forward to the new breast - plus the prospect of a tummy tuck.  However, she did point out that I would need someone to look after me for two weeks post hospital (i.e. I wouldn't be able to sit up by myself).
There is such a lot to think about, process and plan. My brain is very full.
I seem to be spending a lot of time on the phone....
But back to work tomorrow; I hope that I can contribute something and then just two x half days of work on Thursday and Friday.
I don't want BC to rule my life but right now, it is the focus.

May 2011

Well here I am again. I believe that everything happens for a reason but what is the reason for my second breast cancer diagnosis in four years? It is a good question to ask but thankfully, I haven't gone there too much this time as there is not really an answer. I haven't done anything wrong; I haven't caused it; it is just my destiny for whatever reason.
Different to last time, I have a strong sense of this just being a blip in my real life, rather than how huge this felt last time.  Cancer can be very scary, depending on its type and stage and how much you understand about the cancer or cancer in general.  At this point, this is a wee cancer - early stage and possibly only surgery is required.  However, I am going through the testing stage now - chest xray, blood test, CT scan (thanks for coming Gill) and bone scan - within a few weeks, the specialists will know much more.  And ...life can be full of surprises.  Also, once the breast lump is removed and analysed, that is where the real info is.
So for now, I am waiting for my surgery date, test results and....for the fun of it, I have been given a brand new job at work. Being ill is very busy: often we need to work often full time to pay the bills, have numerous hospital appointments and treatements...while trying to mentally process an illness plus contribute productively at work. Having a new job has been the icing on the cake.  To be fair, the job is interesting and the people really nice but the timing, awkward. But maybe that is what life is about...ups and downs, learning and growing and...the timing is not up to us.
Overall, I am in a good frame of mind.  I feel a bit flat at times and really enjoy fun stuff (a weekend in Foxton with the girls was brilliant). But I would conclude that this is my journey; it can be lonely as it is very diificult for people to understand...but ultimately the growth and strength which grows with this experience is amazing.  I am so much stronger than I was before cancer.
What's on my mind in circular patterns:
- will I need to have chemo? I hate chemo. I'm not sure if the gains outweight the costs. Did it really work last time? I want to do cancer differently this time so what does that mean for chemo?
- surgery - when will it be? I know it will be sore; I'm scared of the pain
- telling people - is so hard. I have not told many people this time and friends/family - it is hard for them too (people sometimes start treating me strangely but luckily, most of those people aren't around me anymore)
- work - I'm a bit stressed by the workload so need to manage that stress
- money - how much sick leave will I get? will I ever be able to own my own home?
Well that is probably enough for now.
Andrea