Never say never

Last week was a challenge.  I seemed to have one step forward and two steps backward; it would have been better to stay still in one place the whole week.  However, overall, I am doing well.  My breast infection is nearly fully healed and I am getting less tired each day.  I think the last few months was just getting to me.  Since April 19 and the diagnosis, life has been an emotional roller coaster. And it does feel like a LOT all of a sudden.
Also, I was dreading going to the oncology appointment on Thursday.  In the end, I went on my own as I thought that was just easier..
The oncologist - Kate - was very thorough and helpful. She informed me that the tumour was HER2+ which means it is more aggressive  That sucks as it means that...we do need to be safe not sorry in the approach.  So the oncologist recommended three months of chemotherapy - called CMF - plus a year of Herceptin.  Obviously, this is not how I saw my year heading AND I have always said, I would never do chemo again as the last experience was so awful (coupled with the fact that I still have some of the side effects from last time eg nerve damage).  However, as JB says, Never Say Never. After a headache, many tears and a bit of depression, I must say that I don't want to do chemo again.  But that does not mean that I don't need it.  After looking at a logical criteria for decision making, my main deciding factor is that I don't want a regret. ie in five years time, if the cancer came back, I would really regret not having done chemo.
Kate said that CMF would be milder than the last lot of chemo drugs I had - AC plus Dosetaxyl. I will not feel as sick and not lose my hair. She also said that if it affected me too much, I could stop after one treatment and just do the Herceptin (though there is not much research on Herceptin only treatment).
It is only 12 weeks I have to conclude. Four treatments each 21 days and that is only 12 weeks.  With that in mind, I now want it over and done with as quickly as possible so I can have that side of things finished by Xmas.
The year of Herceptin is another matter entirely.  It only takes half an hour to administer and is generally easily tolerated ie just a dull headache and tiredness.  The issue of finding veins is quite problematic too as...I don't have many good ones. It makes things harder than need be but is really common on this side of the cancer journey.  All the blood tests and needles just cause so many issues.
So all of this stuff leaves me in another dilemma - work.  So what will I do. Last time, I worked as much as I could during chemo and said I wouldn't do that again.  So I guess I will take that time off but how I support myself financially is another question and for another week...I just don't know yet.
It has been an awful few days but I begrudgingly have to admit that things could be worse and that many people do have things worse.  However, I still am not okay about all of this and this is the challenge over the next weeks.  Not that anyone is ever happy to do chemo but the goal is to be at peace with it at least.
Thanks to all the friends and family who've assisted me through this decision making journey.
Later gators x A

Six weeks and milestones

Hi all,
Well yesterday was the biggest moment of my recent life. Six weeks from the 'big' surgery and the following milestone have been reached:

• I am allowed to drive (phew, it is hard being under house arrest like Lindsay Lohan).  I am so grateful to all the friends and family who have driven out to see me, take me grocery shopping etc etc. You have been marvels.
• I don't need to wear this corset thing that I have been wearing 24/7 for the last six weeks. It was holding my tummy tight as it got used to not having much muscle there.
• I don't need to wear a bra 24/7. This is probably TMI but it is not comfortable trying to sleep with too much stuff on.  I stopped wearing the blood clot prevention socks about a week ago.

At six weeks, the breast surgeon advised that I would be ready for work.  However, I still have the end of a breast infection and am waiting for my oncology appointment (should be in the next week or two). So I'm aiming to re-enter the workforce on 10 August.  It will be nice to be part of the so called normal world once more and have some income.

So at six weeks, my spirit is feeling good and positive about the future.  I am still a bit swollen (it's probably gone down about 50% in six weeks). There is uncertainty re the oncology appointment but I am feeling strong enough for those conversations now.  Overall, I am very happy with the aesthetic result of the surgeries - there are quite a few scars right now. But they will fade and I'm pretty happy with the new breast.  I will have another small surgery before Xmas to create and tattoo a new nipple and tidy up anything that needs tidying up.

My laptop has been my saviour and I have been tinkering around with ideas of a website to support others going through BC, post BC and for those wonderful support people.  I will keep you posted on the website which is likely to be called Breast Cancer Nirvana (aspiring towards the best possible experience of BC and post BC).

Wish me luck for re-entry to work.

:) x Andrea